Your way of living is not the only way.

This is a common problem that I often observe in academia. Academics tend to think that their way of doing things is the best way. Maybe this is not about being academics. Smart people with a considerable amount of outside validation tend to say, “You should do …” or “The truth is …” or “This is the way the world works.”

As you know, I enjoy sharing my experiences and learnings with others, so I often find myself saying, “You should do …” But then I add, “This is my experience; it may not work for you. So, you should try it out yourself.”

However, most people are not aware of the fact that there are infinitely many ways of living life, so they can come to strong conclusions based on their single, unique experience.

You need to be careful when taking advice from these people!

Let me give you some concrete examples from my life.

There is a belief that if you don’t start learning English seriously before 15, you won’t be able to do it well. Do I believe it? Of course not! I started learning English (seriously) when I was 18 and became comfortable reading, writing, and listening in a year. I moved to London when I was 25 and struggled to communicate in English for a couple of years. Now, I can comfortably teach in English, have daily conversations in English, and even record videos in English.

I don’t believe in “being late” in life. You either want to achieve something or not. That’s it.

The next example is from my PhD journey. During my PhD, I was forced to believe that the research process has to be painful. You cannot write impactful papers while enjoying your life—your life has to be miserable. Towards the end of my PhD, I refused this idea. I should either enjoy the research process or leave academia, and I have made my decisions accordingly. In a few years, I could create a research environment where I enjoy the process while also enjoying my life.

The final example is a bit more personal. People who became a bit more content after having kids tend to think that you should be a parent to be content. This is not the case for many people, including me: I already feel content with my life without kids. Indeed, I am completely against being a parent just to feel a bit more content.

I believe having kids is a multiplier:

If you are already content before kids, you can become more content when you become a parent.

If you are happy with yourself and your life before kids, you can be happier as a parent.

But, if you are not satisfied with your relationship before kids, having kids can make you less satisfied.

Or, if you cannot take care of yourself before you have kids, you can become much more miserable when you have kids.

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Long story short, we need to always keep in mind that there is no single way of living the life we want. We should listen to others’ experiences and advice (including mine:) always with a pinch of salt and be careful about people who have super strong opinions.

Remember: Something that works for me may not work for you.

We are all different and unique.

Cheers,

Sidika